Within the past several years, I have lost relationships with family that I don’t think will ever be repaired. It saddens me greatly. In essence, those relationships were lost over a disagreement about politics. At the same time, I have two other family relationships that have only been strengthened even though we are on opposite sides of the political spectrum. How could the outcomes be so vastly different?
Let’s start with my cousin. Growing up, she was my favorite cousin and my sister and I loved it when her family would pop in for a visit. Although not frequent, we stayed in touch often through Facebook. Things started going wonky after the 2016 elections. We both had started posting more political content on our feeds. When I posted a picture of my kids and I at a protest, she took great offense. I was accused of all sorts of things that simply weren’t true, but she made assumptions about me as a person based on my political leanings. Things went downhill from there. I started responding to her political posts. Eventually, she started sending me videos and articles through Facebook Messenger. When I would try to refute them based on information I found through scholarly sources she immediately dismissed what I said as lies because it didn’t come from her preferred sources of information. At one point, I was told I was going to hell because I didn’t support her candidate. We both tried to convince the other person they were wrong instead of really listening to each other. At one point, I did try to say that we would never agree so we should just avoid politics. We no longer speak and I own my part in that.
Then there is my brother. Growing up, I looked up to him. We had a difficult childhood to say the least. Even though we didn’t talk often, I always felt that we would be there for each other if we really needed something. A few years ago, my brother-in-law passed away and I went back for the funeral. My brother told me that the cousin I talked about above was going to be there. I made a comment about it potentially being an interesting time. My brother asked what I meant so I explained that she and I were on opposite sides of the political spectrum and that she felt I was going to hell because of it. I told him that I really didn’t care who anyone voted for, but I had a problem with being deluged with political material and being condemned. He didn’t really say anything, but I started to notice a definite coolness to the relationship. Ever heard of Minnesota Nice? It’s a passive aggressive way of being nice to someone’s face, but saying bad things about them behind their back instead of just talking to the person. I got the distinct impression that was happening here. So last year, I just asked my brother point blank about our relationship. I was taken aback by the anger and hatred that poured out from him. He also felt I was going to hell for belonging to a different political party than him. I am not totally proud of the way I reacted to him and I ended the relationship that day. To be fair there is a great deal more to this story than just the politics as to why that relationship ended. But it still illustrates a point.
Contrast this with my relationship with my other brother and my birth father’s wife. Over the past several years, my relationship with each of them has only gotten stronger. Yet they hold the
same politics as my cousin and brother I no longer speak to. Why is that? It’s not because we don’t talk about politics. We do. The difference is in the approach. We actively listen to each other. We ask questions to try to understand where the other person is coming from instead of just trying to convince the other person they are wrong. We still don’t agree on most points, but we respect each other. That has led to a deepening of our relationship.
It is so easy to react emotionally when our beliefs are challenged because they are so strongly linked to who we view ourselves to be as a person. But once we allow emotions to guide the conversation, it becomes more likely that a disagreement will break our relationships. It also becomes harder to think rationally. Active listening requires us to really hear the other person instead of thinking about how we are going to refute their points while they are still talking. It requires us to be curious and to ask questions to really understand the other person’s perspective. Notice I said “understand” not “agree.” We have to listen more than we talk. It’s not easy to do, but the rewards are worth it.
God doesn’t want us to be alone but to be in relationship with each other. He created Eve because He knew it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone (Genesis 2:18). Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 tells us why it is good to be in relationship with each other. “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Disagreements will inevitably happen in any relationship. How we choose to handle them will determine whether that relationship will be broken or be strengthened.
Disagreeing with Love is a training to help teach us how to talk to someone we disagree with, especially when that disagreement is highly emotionally charged. It is scheduled for July 27th at 10 a.m. If you are interested or want to learn more about what training will look like, you can contact either myself (cyoder303@gmail.com) or speak to Pastor John. For those who can’t attend in July, the training will be offered again in September.
Blessings,
Christi Yoder